The Joke Thread

[dirtydog]

At the Confessional.........

A sixteen-year-old virgin girl goes to confession.

"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."

"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.

"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"

"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he also touched my breasts."

"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he took off my clothes."

"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."

"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.

"Yes father,"

"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he has AIDS."

"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

[dirtydog]

The Future of the Internet

[Mitraparp Monkey]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do
You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

[dirtydog]

Bangkok Tourist

A traveling tourist was about to check in at a Bangkok hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the eye.

In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life.

Both walked back to the desk and checked in as Mr. and Mrs.

After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out.

The clerk presented him with his bill for 43,000baht.

"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."

"Yes," replied the clerk, "But your wife has been here a month."

[dirtydog]

The best engine in the world..........

In 1912, the world famous Austrian gynecologist, Dr. Hermann Otto Kloepneckler, M.D. Ph.D. published the following:

"The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so fcuking temperamental."

[Johnnie F.]

Five reasons to believe computers are female

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If
you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell
you".

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your pay check on accessories for it.

[dirtydog]

Do you ever feel a little bit stupid?

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.


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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)


Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?


Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"


--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.


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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."


--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"


-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas .

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."

--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix "

-- Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[dirtydog]

"green Side Up"

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP! "

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

[dirtydog]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his
regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it
has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to
his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after
the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
______________

One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room.
In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was *highly* upsetting to her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home.
When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet."
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him,
"Well what should we do about this?"
Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

______________

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

______

One day Little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom what they were having for dinner.
She said that it was a surprise and he and his brother would have to guess what it is after they try it.
Well dinner time came and they started eating it, but they couldn't figure out what it was. So Little Johnny asked his mom for a hint.
She said, "Okay, I'll give you a hint. I call your father this. "Little Johnny said to his brother, "Quick Bobby, spit it out, its *******!"

_______


Little Johnny is from the city.His teacher decides to take the class to the country to visit the farm.
The day after they went to the farm, the teacher tests their memory of the animals there. She asked what noise a cow makes "Moo," says susie. what does a sheep say "Baaaa," says kenny. what does a pig say " Up against the wall mother fucker!" says Little Johnny.

[dirtydog]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.

Little Johnny came home from school and was doing his homework, he looked frustrated and his father asked if he needed any help, Little Johnny replied yes!
I need to find the difference between realistically and potentially.
His father told him to go and ask his mother if she would have sex with the mailman for a million bucks.
Johnny asked and his mom said she would.
Johnny ran to his father yelling she said she would dad!
His father said ok, now, go ask your sister the same thing, Johnny asked and told his dad she would too.
Johnny's dad replied, ok, now potentially, we are sitting on 2 million dollars, but realistically, we are just living with a couple of whores.

[dirtydog]

Funny signs from around the world

In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotels towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read this notice.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is bring fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of the wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for Donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like a ride on your own ass.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner is dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In a Acapulco hotel: - The manager has personal passed all the water served here.

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are the best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using the hotel air conditioner: Cools and Heats: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well speaking. Here speaking American.

Thailand Advertisement: Coca Cola brings your ancestors back from the dead.

[Taser]

The Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez, flies to  Bagdad to watch a young Iraqi play  football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
 
Two weeks later  Liverpool are 4-0 down to  Manchester United with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
 
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for  Liverpool .   The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
 
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
 
“Hello mum, guess what?” he says “I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won! Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me!”
 
“Wonderful,” says his mum, “Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed; your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten; your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such a great time playing football!”
 
The young lad is very upset.. “What can I say mum, but I am so sorry.”
 
“Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' shrieks his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to  Liverpool in the first Place.”

[dirtydog]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see's his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,
'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shi t.!

[dirtydog]

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Scotsman, an English bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young well endowed blonde Swiss girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Scotsman has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Scotsman must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Scotsman must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Scotsman thinks: The English bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Englishman thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Scotsman again.

[dirtydog]

One misty Scottish morn a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road.
The man is about six foot seven and built like a tank.
He has a huge red beard and despite the gale force wind and freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and his tweed shirt.

At the roadside there also stands a young women.
She is absolutely beautiful, slim, shapely, fair complexion ... heart stopping.
The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens his car door and drags him from the seat onto the road.

"Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate"

"but ... " stammers the driver

"Now ... or I'll bloody kill you"

So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this only takes a few seconds.

"Right" shouts the highlander "Do it again!"

"but ... " says the driver.

"Now!! ... " he bellows.

So the driver does it again.

"Right, do it again" demands the highlander.

This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.

"Do it again" says the highlander.

"I just can't do it any more - you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man.

The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside.

"All right," he says, "can you give my daughter a lift to Inverness?"

[dirtydog]

Bob and Maisy have been in the same retirement home for a few years and have decide they should get married, Bob is 75 and Maisy is a spritely 72. They are chatting about what they'll do after the wedding and of course the question of making love comes around.
Bob leans forward and says "What about sex then, dear"?.

Maisy thinks for a while and says "Oh I like it it infrequently".

Bob sits back and ponders, then asks ...


.....




....


"infrequently"? ..


"Is that one word or two"

[dirtydog]

A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

[dirtydog]

[dirtydog]

Jesus mum rang the Jerusalem post and asked how much per word for the obituary.
A shekel PER WORD was quoted so she opted for the pithy and economical.
"Jesus dead." when told minimum 5 shekels opted for

"Jesus dead,shroud for sale."

[dirtydog]

The Clock Shop

A man walks in to a clock shop, sees a gorgeous assistant behind the counter. He walks over to the counter and slaps his dick on the counter. She says " This is a clock shop sir "
He replies " I know, put two hands and a face on that "

[dirtydog]

Mr Mouse is walking through the jungle when he hears a loud sobbing. He finds Ms Elephant with a thorn in her paw. He pulls it out.

"Thank you," says Ms Elephant. "Can I do anything for you in return?"

"Well," says Mr Mouse, "I've always wanted to, er, you know, with an elephant."

"Alright," says Ms Elephant, lowering her tail for Mr Mouse to climb up.

A minute later, Mr Mouse is enjoying himself, and Ms Elephant is thoroughly bored. She gets an itch on her neck,and decides to scratch her itch by rubbing her neck against the scaly trunk of a coconut tree. Her rubbing dislodges some coconuts, which fall on her head.

"Ow! Ow! Ooow!!!" cries Ms Elephant.

"Gosh!" thinks Mr Mouse to himself. "Aren't I doing well?!"

[dirtydog]

This is an Incredible story!



In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.





It probably wasn't the same elephant.

[dirtydog]

Why we like the British - from British newspapers

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a
spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time
of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up
during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in
her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her
Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they
don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coast guard and
asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, he didn't
have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land
Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with
her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do
her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always
seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of
our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

A list of actual announcements London Underground have made to their
passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know
you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to
my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go
in the opposite direction."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E &
B syndrome: not knowing his Elbow from his Backside. I'll let you know any
further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last
Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news
is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham,
which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security
alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

"We are now travelling through Baker Street.. As you can see, Baker Street's
closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could
tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced
in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and
gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold
the doors open’. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your things
into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL
belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to
the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the
pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door
before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

[dirtydog]

One for the Aussies

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".

40 years ago, Whitlam said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".

Now Rudd has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the promised land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .....

I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[dirtydog]

The teacher asks 4 year old Alice: "What did you do at break time?"
Alice replied, "I played in the sand pit."
Teacher says "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a sweetie."

She does and gets a sweet.

Teacher asks 4 year old Billy what he did at break time.

Billy replies, "I played with Alice in the sand pit."

Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'pit' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a sweetie."

Billy does, and gets a sweet.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at break time.

He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."

Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can write 'blatant racial discrimination' on the blackboard correctly, I'll give you a sweetie."

[dirtydog]

The MAN test

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find
out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100.00 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) no concern of yours
b) not a problem
c) a conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) a myth
b) a oxymoron
c) gay

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU"

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with
that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times... YOU DA MAN!

[dirtydog]

Two abo's are at a bar talking, one says to the other, " You ever notice that when you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"

The second guy says, "Yeah, all the time."

The other says, "Why is that?"

The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray.

[Saf]

Two Ozzie gold prospectors (descendants of Scottish sheep stealers) were out in the outback and just pulling their trousers back up after a passionate session when Blue was bitten by a snake.

'Digger', he screamed, 'I've been bitten on the airse boy a snoik.'

'Oh jeez, ' replied Digger, 'Oil go te call the Floying Dorckter'.

Digger ran all the way past their stinking old dunny to their stinking old cabin and called up the Flying Doctor on the hand wind stinking old radio. Over the crackling static he explained the predicament to the doctor who relied,

'Digger, how many times do I have to tell you two not to play Brokeback outdoors? All that you can do is pull his kacks down again and suck out the poison.'

'What'll happen if I don't, Dork?'

'He'll die, Digger.'

Digger ran all the way back to Blue. As he regained his breathe after the stress of running past the Fosters case without picking up one, Blue asked with anticipation.

'What did the Dork sie, Digger?'

'You're gonna die, Blue.'

[dirtydog]

Hitchhiking

A man stood on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.

The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly forward.

The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other, "Look Pete, that's the idiot who climbed into the car while we were pushing it."

[dirtydog]

A Jewish grandmother.........

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson
who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in
apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14.
When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my
doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these
buttons with my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed?"