The Joke Thread

[turdburner]

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies,'No, because she is in heat.' 'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.' Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it in the gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with No dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!)

The little girl said,
'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[Mark N.]

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law.

[turdburner]

Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
Kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
Phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how
Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
Three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

[turdburner]

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, " Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

[turdburner]

Moose hunters


Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick
survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year. 

[turdburner]

... An oldie, but maybe you haven't heard it.... its kinda funny


====


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
~~~~~~

[dirtydog]

A Kiwi and a Gorilla

New Zealand Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination,the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The Gorilla was on heat..


To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.


While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former Foot Ball Star , responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Graham, like most Antipodeans seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.. So theZoo administrators thought they might have a solution.


Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have Sex with the gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.


The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss 'er.'
'Sicondly, you must niver, niver tull anyone about thus.'
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.






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'Wull,' said Graham, 'You've gotta give me another week to come up with the $500!

[chrisperth]

 A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

 

 She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

 

 He answered, "That's okay."

 

 "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mum" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."

 

 She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."

 

 The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

 

 Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries.

 

 "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..

 

 "How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

 

 The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."

 

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker. Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

[turdburner]

A darn FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[dirtydog]

Christmas Genie
Three men - a Canadian tree hugger, an Al Queda leader and an American GI are stuck walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out.

'I will give each of you one wish,’ says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I want Canada to be full of trees again.'
POOF! Canada is razed of its buildings and is full of trees.

The AQ guy says, ‘I demand a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq, and Iran so that no infidels can come into our precious land.’
POOF! A huge wall is erected around those countries.

The GI says, 'I am curious, Genie. Please tell me more about the AQ leader’s wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The GI sits down, cracks a beer, lights a cigarette, smiles and says, 'Fill the fucker with water.'

[dirtydog]

A frog and three wishes.

A woman is playing golf and hits her ball into a water hazard, she looks for her ball and finds a talking frog instead. The frog says, "I will grant you three wishes but there is one catch... Anything you wish for will be given to you husband 10 times more"

The woman agrees and for her first wish requests, "I want to be the richest woman in the world".

The frog replies, "You do realise that your husband will be 10 times richer and may lose interest in you?"

She says, "Yes, but what mine is his and his is mine"

For her second wish she asks, "I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world".

The frog again replies, "You do realise that he will be 10 times more attractive meaning that all women will be after him?"

The woman says, "He will only have eyes for me so this is not a problem".

The frog then says, "Ok, so what is your final wish?"

The woman responds, "I want a mild heart attack..."

[dirtydog]

In an accountants's office..........

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

[turdburner]

The power of the badge...

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.


The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'


The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge...Show him your badge!'

[dirtydog]

Four proud dads

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

[dirtydog]

Lek was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the bar and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lek's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lek told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the bar girls. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."

The policeman fainted.

[Uncle Bill]

Thanks, dirtydog! I laughed tears and my stomach hurts now. 

[dirtydog]

A woman was in bed with her lover, Steve, when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martins bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue -- not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martins for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

[dirtydog]

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight.
He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste,  he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:


Dearest wife,


Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion
at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival
tomorrow.


Your loving husband.


P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how
hot it is down here.......

[dirtydog]

    * A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
    * Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!




    * Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
    * Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
    * Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
    * Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
    * Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

[dirtydog]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new Fangled warshin ' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
Hillbillies 1 & 2 say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.'

[dirtydog]

Dave and Jim's hunting trips

Dave and Jim were out deer hunting. Dave was pretty new to this whole deer hunting thing, so Jim had told him all about a clean kill, and field dressing, etc.

Well, after an afternoon up in the stand, Dave heard some noise in the woods; he got buck fever and fired.
He went over to where he thought his deer should be, and realized he had shot his good
friend Jim.

Dave rushed him to the hospital. After what seemed like a very long time, the doctor came out shaking his head. He told Dave,

"The gunshot wound wasn't too bad, and we could have saved him had you just not gutted and skinned him."


The operator at 911 recieved an emergency call.
"Hello, it's jim, we're on a hunting expedition and there's been an accident, Dave, my hunting parnter has been shot"
"See if he's dead" Says the operator.
"Hang on" says Jim. the operator hears sound of a gunshot
"OK" says Jim."What now?"

[dirtydog]

Bra Shopping

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

[dirtydog]

Al Qaeda Press Release: Union Negotiations

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% on 1st January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that... it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

[chrisperth]

.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I  got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been
completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
 

Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales
guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves! 
 
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
 
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He
never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

[Mark N.]

In a survey conducted earlier this week, 1,000 American blondes were asked if they would sleep with Tiger Woods.
89 per cent said: "never again".

[dirtydog]

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Nieuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[chrisperth]

During a recent password audit at a large company, it was found that a blond receptionist was using the following password:

“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento”

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least eight characters long and include at least one capital.

[dirtydog]

Map of Australia for those taking a holiday there.

[dirtydog]

This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the craps table, he decides to get a flight to Bangkok for a holiday.
In Bangkok he gets the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three-room suite.
The room is nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city.
The guy drops his bag of money on a chair and stands looking out the windows at the
city.
He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high- priced call girls in the city.

Thirty minutes later there's a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long black hair, short red dress, and spiked heels.
She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives
one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.

"Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?"

The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is 2,000baht"

"What, 2,000baht! That's outrageous!"

"Come over here," She says walking toward one of the windows,  "see that brand new black BMW over there," pointing out the window, "I own that. I was able to buy that with the money I saved giving hand jobs. I must be pretty darn good."

"All right, screw it, money is no object."

A half hour after she's done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself.
"That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?"

"Honey, a blow job is 5,000baht."

"What, 5,000baht! That's outrageous!"

"Come over here," She says walking toward another one of the windows, "see that row of shophouses over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last five stores on the far end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty darn good.

"All right, screw it, money is no object." The guy gives her 5,000baht.

An hour after she's done the guy is laying on the couch Head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks, gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.

"My god that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, how much for some pussy?"

The hooker looks at him and says, " Honey, if I had a pussy, I'd own this whole town."

[dirtydog]

Swedish au pair

The young Swedish au pair had been working for the couple for over a year. While pleasant and hardworking, the girl still struggled with the English language.

One day she informed the Lady of the House, that her boyfriend in the Army was coming for a visit.

"That's wonderful. How long is his furlough?" asked the lady.

"Oh... about the same as your husband's, but a little bit thicker." the au pair replied.