Author Topic: Assorted Jokes  (Read 540 times)

Offline Taman Tun

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Assorted Jokes
« on: August 30, 2012, 05:26:51 PM »

If you've been watching the Olympics I'm sure you'll agree that the standard of Chinese swimming has come on leaps and bounds since Morecambe Bay 2004.
I hope you'll join me in sending the Brazilian Olympic hurdlers good luck. Last time a Brazilian jumped over a barrier in London, he got shot by the Met.
In the first 3 days of the Olympics the Romanians have taken gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead and anything else they can get their f*cking hands on!
I was stood at the bar and I said to this girl, "Do you come here often?"She said, "Will you f*ck off, this is the gymnastics final."
I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my Speedo's was upsetting some of the swimmers.
I pointed out another guy in similar trunks and asked why he was not being asked to leave.
"Because he hasn't sh*t himself," they replied.
I was in Tesco and saw a guy off Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes. I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious. The police arrived and arrested me.
Apparently they use actors on the show.

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world."

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
If the old only could, if the young only knew.