Author Topic: Ten of Thailand’s most deadly  (Read 885 times)

Offline thaiga

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Ten of Thailand’s most deadly
« on: December 11, 2016, 01:15:09 PM »
Hilarious article from headed Ten of Thailand’s most deadly but i'll go along with Gerry Carter
No offence……but stuff it. I’d rather live in Thailand…..and snuff it. :)

Ten of Thailand’s most deadly

Ever wondered why life expectancy in Thailand makes it almost necessary to come back for another existence? Read on and maybe give yourself just a small shot at surviving in the Kingdom to three score years and ten – if you’re lucky!

Here is my list of ten of the most deadly things to do in Thailand. The order is not important and will depend on the reader’s own lifestyle. And the list is really only scratching the surface; like what not to do if you get a nasty rash after a visit to Pattaya.

But ignore the warning signs at your peril – your very life may be at stake!

Going through green lights.

Standard logic would have it that going through red lights is not only illegal but perilous. In Thailand it is much safer than going through green. When you see that green light – especially if you are a motor-biker but also if crazy enough to be a pedestrian – this is the time to beware. Look left, right, straight ahead, up, down, even under the bike – danger lurks everywhere. Wait approximately ten seconds, longer at some intersections as the traffic continues to power through the red lights. Only when it is completely stopped – and has been for several seconds – may you proceed with the usual great caution.

Penalty for going through green lights: death within about three weeks assuming one journey or walk per day.

Saying “What a cute dog that is” and petting the said mutt kindly.

Though the prevalence of rabies deaths in Thailand is not as big as you might expect – there were eight last year and will be a few more this year – it is still absolutely vital to keep all notions of Western attitudes towards canines just there…in the West. Even mildly mannered dogs can suddenly foam at the mouth and attack when riled. In this they can mirror certain aspects of the wider human population especially when tanked up. And don’t think you can save yourself from attack by kicking out. That will be animal abuse and presuming you are caught on CCTV result in a long spell in a Thai jail. Animal abuse is much more serious than the human kind these days. While a spell in a Thai jail reduces the risk of heart disease other perils await. If in doubt ask Thaivisa forum members what can happen if you drop the soap in the shower in a Thai jail….they seem to have all been there, done

Penalty for petting dogs: death by around thirty years of age, if you get the necessary jabs.

Saying “OK” to your Thai spouse’s comment that it is alright for you to have other relationships

Though probably a worldwide phenomenon, when the Thai missus or husband smiles benignly and says let’s enjoy a free and open relationship it is time to take clear and decisive action to stave off disaster. The offer is usually made when the defenses are low – possibly after a mutually good shagging or when you have enjoyed a satisfying plate of Som Tam Kai Yang. Rather than make the error of being beguiled into the slightest recognition that this is what you want you must attack on all fronts. “How on earth could you say such a thing?” “My darling whatever can be wrong?” Don’t even hesitate. That can be fatal too. When a smile has crossed their lips you can relax and go back to ignoring them – they will be happy….until the next time.

Penalty for saying “OK”: Just once may result in only minor injuries but repeat offences could shorted lifespan by up to 10 years.

Going on a balcony after consuming a beer.

Recent figures from the National Police Bureau state that according to extensive investigative procedures just short of 99.3% of all deaths from falling out of high rise building are as a result of slipping while intoxicated. The other 0.7% are just slipping. While it may be best to lock the balcony and never go out there at all, or pay less to live on the ground floor, you should always put a sign on your fridge door so when going to get a cool beverage you remember to barricade the balcony too. (Balconies in Thailand have an average height only just above ankle socks, and I believe, were constructed due to some local laws to solve overpopulation). Conversely if your spouse is really annoying you may suggest going on to the balcony while drinking. Just remember to stay sober.

Penalty for ignoring this advice: donations will be required from family to the Por Teck Tung foundation for picking you up on the ground floor.

Being late for your flight and asking the taxi driver to get a move on.

Taxi drivers in Thailand – contrary to many anecdotal reports – are some of the nicest chaps around. You only have to leave 100,000 baht in cash on the back seat to know this. The pages of the Thaivisa forum are chocker with good-Samaritan stories. But woe betide should you give a taxi driver a reason to give in to their baser instincts and practice for the possibility of a Grand Prix in Buriram. If in a hurry for the airport pop a couple of valium, which should always be kept on your person in Thailand just in case. Even an overdose is better than reality. If the driver needs to relieve himself during the journey making you later still, ask him to leave the engine running for the air con then drive yourself. He is sure to smile and see the funny side – this is the Land of Smiles after all.

Penalty for asking driver to speed up: well, you can throw away the air ticket because you won’t be needing it.

Keeping receipts then not doing your own washing.

What more natural thing than to leave a 7-11 or a restaurant and rather than contributing to the rubbish outside pop the receipt into your pocket for later disposal. This is wrong on so many levels. Thai spouses are renowned for checking pockets before washing mainly due to the milk of human kindness. They don’t want your best trousers spoilt
by all that fluffy paper. And they always need to check exactly what was bought in the convenience store, or how many meals or drinks were purchased and at precisely what times. It can be the devil’s own job to talk your way out of a charge of philandering when the milk of kindness turns sour and the evidence is there in black and white. Answer: throw receipts away immediately. If no receptacle is available toss to the ground and risk a fine from the Tetsaban people. It will extend your life in the long run.

Penalty: severe beatings resulting in life threatening injury.

Asking your Thai brother-in-law to wire your house.

This is most important and comes with a decisive caveat – don’t ask even if he is an electrician. By and large, although it can be somewhat inconvenient especially at night, it is much better to live in total darkness and leave the house and go to Starbucks to get wi-fi and surf the internet. Other similar perils are asking family members
to place one brick on top of another in the manner of building walls. There is a reason why western bricklayers and people like plumbers drive around in Mercs saying it’s not worth their while to leave their house for less than two hundred quid.

Penalty: death within a week of moving in from taking a shower or turning on a light.

Buying a lottery ticket.

While the act of getting the lottery ticket in itself is somewhat innocuous (unless it involves crossing a road) the real problem for your lifespan comes if you win, especially if it is something decent. All and sundry will suddenly become your best friend and while expectancy for handouts increases, life expectancy goes down as grudges and vendettas take over. What was once the reasonably acceptable if slightly irksome “farang khii nok” now becomes public
enemy number one. Penury and misery is sure to result so do the right thing and pretend you are as blind as the lottery seller. It makes sense.

Penalty: stress and worry from constant badgering will turn a lottery winner into a puff of temple smoke in no time.

Becoming too expert in the Thai language.

While a smattering of “taxi-Thai” is probably all well and good and likely to promote general well-being, becoming too good for your own boots is lethal. One of the main problems is the tendency to want to commit suicide when understanding Thai soap operas. You may also lose the will to live when overhearing conversations in a whole swathe of social situations, ranging from the missus talking to her mum about you on the phone to pundits on Thai TV discussing the Premier League match at half time. Earphones or earplugs can help but not learning in the first place is the key target. You may learn the word งง “ngong”, if you can say it that is, that roughly equates to “I have no idea what is going on around me at all”; many Thais will like you for that.

Penalty: in terms of soap opera understanding alone, death can not only be by suicide but by slow and painful torture.

Don’t come to Thailand in the first place.

Well, that would be the most obvious thing wouldn’t it! Stay in the nanny state west with all its safety precautions and safeguards laws and regulations for your own good; all its cleanliness and health care. Live to get a telegram from the Queen of England when you reach 100.  No offence……but stuff it. I’d rather live in Thailand…..and snuff it.

thanks to Gerry Carter

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.